ORIGINALLY POSTED ON THE NING SITE ON MARCH 17, 2009:
I’ve posted in my blogs that I’m working on some health issues. When I wrote the book Shape Shifting–reclaiming YOUR perfect body, I was primarily concerned with losing some weight, and I did. I lost 50 pounds. But that’s as far as I was able to go because I’m also dealing with some chronic health issues that prevent me from exercising or doing anything heavier than light, basic housework. It’s kinda hard to get in shape when you can’t move far beyond basic functioning. And THAT is what I’m currently working on Shape Shifting in my life. My intent is to bust through that barrier into being fully functional and active again.
I’m a BIG believer in body/mind medicine. Debbie Shapiro and Louise Hay really have it on the ball, as far as I’m concerned, regarding our (sometimes inherited!) thought patterns creating illness or dis-ease. The deeper I dig, the more sense it makes. And, even though I wrote in the book about some of my particulars … those I was aware of at the time … I’m still uncovering just how deep the rabbit hole goes.
To be more specific, I’m finding that a lot of my inability to move is resistance to servitude, or doing anything that I don’t want to do. At a very deep level, probably a many-lifetime level, I simply cannot abide being someone else’s bitch, for lack of a better way to put it. I deeply resent having to do work that is not of my choosing. I detest housework, which is “woman’s work,” or taking orders from anyone. (I never would have made it in the military!) And I’ve learned, not intentionally of course, that being “too sick to do it” is a very effective tool.
Let me take a moment to make myself clear. I don’t mean that I resist being of service to others. That is an entirely different thing. Servitude, to me, equals slavery. Being of Service is a giving and sharing of love, of seeing the “Other” as “Self,” of “Doing unto others, as I would have done unto me.”
Now that I’m beginning to get some relief from my “symptoms” (we all know they are nothing but illusion, of course, but that doesn’t necessarily make them any less solid) and now that I’m beginning to be able to move a little more easily and am doing heavier housework and such, I’m hearing the resistant voice of my ego saying things like, “I shouldn’t have to do this, damn it. I’m sick!” or “This shouldn’t be MY job, damn it. Why do I have to do everything?”
So what I’m working on is pushing through this thick veil into a lightness of being, into being able to pick and choose what I do willingly, without using illness as my excuse not to. When I hear that voice, which used to trigger a physical reaction of instant weakness and sometimes collapse, I remind myself that I am Shape Shifting into a healthier state of being and that, yes, I can physically do the task, even if I wish I didn’t have to.
Okay, so now we have that. In the meantime, I’ve been sent for every test appropriate for a woman my age. Many days I have more than one doctor’s appointment (last week I had SEVEN, believe it or not). Mostly what I’m doing is having all the required tests that you’re “supposed” to have when you have insurance, like mammogram, bone density, blah blah blah, but they also have me going to a cardiologist for a bunch of stuff.
Fortunately, I’m finding that there isn’t anything dastardly wrong … nothing fatal, just annoying and intrusive. I mean, I kinda knew that, but I also knew that I was out of balance somewhere but didn’t know where to begin. At least having some sort of diagnosis gives me an idea what I should be focusing on healing, naturally. Also, fortunately, they aren’t pushing a lot of prescriptions on me. The doctors’ office I’m attending has an overall holistic theme, even if they are mostly MD’s and their Naturopath can’t legally take my insurance. But once I get all the tests done and covered by the insurance, I can see her and just pay her fee with the ground work already done.
In an interesting sidebar, I have hooked up with someone from my past who is supplying an incredibly important piece of my Shape Shifting puzzle. The sister of my high school sweetheart (boy, were we in love!!!!) sent me a friend request on Facebook, “out of the blue.” He died 13 years ago and I’ve never really gotten over the grief of not being able to say goodbye. She’s been sending me pictures of him, and we’ve been talking a LOT. Lots of closure and healing. But the amazing part is that his appearance at this time, specifically, means a lot because it’s reminding me of my healthiest physical vibration, the one I expressed as a teenager. So while I’m doing all this healing work, I’m being given a vibrational set point to anchor into.
I love how this stuff works out.
Also, the Diary is getting closer to going to press every day. The cover is about done, and in the meantime I’m using a draft copy to make sure there are no more kinks to be worked out. I think I finally have it perfected. I’m enjoying using it, and that’s saying a LOT. I never stick to these kinds of things, but this book is keeping my interest AND I’m seeing increidble results with it.