Two steps forward, one step back

ORIGINALLY POSTED ON THE NING SITE ON MAY 5, 2009 (I’m moving old posts from that site, which is closing down, to my WordPress blog):

Well, I finally made it to Curves yesterday morning. Yay! I never thought I’d be celebrating exercising, but there you have it. It was difficult because it’s been so long, but I did it.

This morning, however, I woke up dizzy again and couldn’t go.

I don’t know if this has anything to do with it (part of Shape Shifting is exploring all facets of possible obstacles), but a small, petty part of me kind of resents the fact that no one at Curves even tried to contact me to find out why, after signing a one year contract and gung ho attendance for two weeks, I suddenly disappeared for over a month.

I might not have even expected them to do so, except that during my first week one of the women I was talking to said, “The staff here is so nice! I was gone for a couple weeks taking care of my mom last year and they took the time to call me to make sure I was okay and that my reason for not coming in had nothing to do with Curves or their facility.”

I was really impressed with that and was, frankly, surprised (and mildly hurt) that no one there took the time to check to see if I was okay. When I went in yesterday, they were friendly and all, but didn’t seem to give two shits that I’d been gone or had finally come back.

Now, the logical, grownup side of me is saying, “Well, geez, ya only went a few times. They didn’t get a chance to know you or your routine. How do they know you’re not one of those joiner/quitters? And, if that woman had never said anything to you about them calling her, it would never have even occurred to you that they would call and check on you.”

Yeah, I’ll cop to being a little whiny and childish on this one, but it’s there and it’s real. I need to look at whether or not this has anything to do with my being “too sick” to go back today. After all, vertigo basically boils down to being out of balance, and being “off center.” If I’m not feeling centered … knocked off my pins, as it were … then it makes sense that I don’t feel well enough today to go work out.

Plus, this is a lifelong challenge of mine, feeling like I don’t fit in or belong. I’ve always felt like an outsider and it doesn’t take much to reinforce that belief. I don’t know how to even begin shape shifting out of this destructo-mindset because it’s so powerful and displays itself in pretty much every circumstance I find myself in.

Our outer world mirrors our inner world. I guess I’m just surprised to see it manifesting itself so quickly in the exercise arena.

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