TRIUMPH!!! (and Challenge)

ORIGINALLY POSTED ON THE NING SITE ON MAY 19, 2009 (I’m moving old posts from that site, which is closing down, to my WordPress blog):

I got my weight/measurement update at Curves yesterday and am really excited with the results! I’ve lost 10.25 inches and 11 pounds! Woohoo!!!

I’m more excited about the lost inches than the number on the scale because I’ve long said that I’m pretty okay with my weight, it was the lack of muscle tone that concerned me. However, now that I’ve reached this point, the Curves lady rolled out all the BMI/ASCAP/MOUSE numbers and told me that my goal weight should be another 40 pounds lighter than I currently am.

I don’t know how I feel about that. I will admit that it feels wonderful to have made the changes I’ve made. I feel lighter, healthier, younger and more excited about getting up in the morning. I’m sure that by losing some more pounds that feeling will increase exponentially. However, now that I’m faced with a decision about whether to lose more weight or not, some of my “issues” are surfacing.

For example, the closer I feel to the younger, healthier, skinnier me, the less I feel like I will be taken seriously. I wrote about this in Shape Shifting, but thought I worked through it. Apparently I only allowed myself to lose enough weight (isn’t 50 pounds enough???) to look acceptable, but not enough to have to face this issue. The thought of looking thinner and younger is bringing back memories of being treated like I’m an idiot just because I’m a girl and have a curvy body.

Back in the old days, I was built sort of like Valerie Bertinelli or Mila Kunis … not a knockout bombshell, but a cute, tiny package. And no one took me seriously, not even myself. I realize, now, that I was also adding weight to compensate for a lack of height!

On the flip side, I will never be taken seriously as a “weight loss” author if I don’t lose the weight! But I don’t want to be thought of as a weight loss author! Unfortunately, that’s how people view my work. I’ve been to many expos and seen their reactions. I have had people actually say to me, “Well, if you’re writing about weight loss, you probably better lose some weight!” Never mind the 50 that I’ve already lost and the fact that I’m perfectly content with the number I see on the scale. I don’t look like their idea of a weight loss success story, so I must not have a clue what I’m talking about.

I’m so confused. I guess what I’ll do, until I figure out a specific plan of action, is to continue working toward my healthiest body and if that means a lower number on the scale, so be it. I will augment that intention with taking myself more seriously, which will then ripple outward to those who were merely mirroring my own lack of self-esteem.

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