Climbing out of the rabbit hole

I haven’t written anything for a while, because I’ve been tumbling down the rabbit hole. I don’t know if I’m now climbing back out, or if I’ve just landed in a place that looks very like the old world (but has a different set of rules). Either way, I think I’m done free falling and I’m able to finally dust myself off and take a look around.

It’s a long, involved and strange story how I got here, and I’m not sure how much of it I want to tell. So let me just say this, for now: as a result of a very painful event, my career—as I knew it—is over. I’ve spent the past eight years or so being a very specific person, doing very specific things, with a very specific goal. That has been ripped away and now I’m left, shaken and dazed, trying to figure out who I am without all of that.

I’m using dramatic language to describe how I feel, but I want it clear that I don’t intend to convey self-pity. Not that there hasn’t been any of that—after all, I’m only human—but I’m not feeling self-pity when I describe how monumentally I’ve shifted. I’ve taken a quantum leap and am feeling every bit of it. I’m still a little shaky, getting my sea legs.

One interesting thing that I’m noticing is that it’s now very easy to live in the present moment. What else do I have to do? I used to spend all of my waking consciousness on that old persona, the one that has been ripped away. So now what do I do? I might as well just sit in the Isness of the moment. And since I’m here, I might as well deeply and consciously experience it.

It’s taken me a long time to blog about this, because I realize now that there is no one out there reading this, aside from a handful of good friends who hear all about this on the phone or through email, so why bother writing? I’ve mostly been just living each day as it comes. I’ve deactivated my Facebook page and may dismantle my website(s). I still haven’t decided what to do with all that … haven’t given it much thought. In the meantime, Jeff and I have decided to take our own road trip, sort of an Epiphany Quest 2. That’s what I’m spending my time working on.

We’re going to take a similar trip to the one Vicci and I made, but we’ll travel the eastern side of the country. Plus, we’re going to camp and we’re taking the bike with us. The trip will be exactly the same, only completely different.

Our focus isn’t going to be the destinations on our route as much as it will be the journey itself. We do have some specific places we intend to visit but, for the most part, we’re going to take our time and just drive a few hours each day. We’re going to pay attention to what the little towns have to offer: what’s the best meal in town? what landmarks are there? what kind of work do the people do?

We’ll probably be taking off in mid August. We have a lot of stuff to take care of and arrange. When you leave your house for that long, you have to find people to take care of it in your absence. When you go on such a long camping trip, you have a lot of careful packing and planning to do. And when the route is so long and detailed, you have to be grateful for your AAA membership.

I’ll keep all four of you posted on our progress and the trip, as the story unfolds!


7 responses to “Climbing out of the rabbit hole

  1. Blessings and bon voyage! I know you don’t want to plan ahead, but let me know if you’d like any connections on the way up. I know some people who live more or less along the route, including my family (an interesting group). You could even get time at a lake cottage in NH if you go far enough!

  2. hey, been wondering what you’re up to. Although I’m sure you haven’t counted me as one of the “4”, I do follow you around ;~)


  3. Hi Lisa,

    I am happy to say that I am one of those people who talk to you on the phone for hours, but anyway, just supporting you. I know this is kind of cliche but sometimes when everything seems to break down and you give up, that is when things just get rolling. Yep, I know, that is not what any of us wants to hear but knowing you, magic will happen for you. I like the sound of your trip that you are going to take. Keep me posted.

  4. As one of the unholy four I’m just grateful you’re still consciously creating! I only wish you and Jeff were coming through NM so we could visit again. Ah well… kick some serious doopah!!!

  5. And sometimes the random person stumbles upon your blog and can find a connection with what you write well about… 🙂

  6. R.A.W., Firesign T., Crumb, Leary, blah blah blah

  7. Katie Jane Wennechuk Thomas

    Oh Lisa! I know where you are in the rabbit hole. When my little niece Madeleline was about 5 years old she saw one of those bugs who sheds its entire skin (who knows what they are). She said (seriously), “Wow, Auntie Katie…look at how it’s CLUTCHING.” I always think of that when I see those bugs (Madeleline is now 15) and how the bug left its entire skin behind in one piece clutching….and how literal that is regarding letting go of our old self. I am here for you. I adore you. I will help in any way I can.

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